Punished by Rewards by Alfie Kohn

Author:Alfie Kohn [Kohn, Alfie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Houghton Mifflin Harcourt

Caring Kids

Responding to, or even preventing, irresponsible behavior is not enough. We want to emphasize the positive, to help a child act responsibly and develop prosocial values over the long run. But how? The elimination of rewards and punishments may be necessary for that purpose, but clearly it is not sufficient. Fortunately, a fair amount of research exists that addresses this more ambitious agenda. There are, of course, no sure-fire instructions to follow, but there are some general guidelines worth reviewing.

Caring. Children are more likely to grow into caring people if they know they themselves are cared about. A warm, nurturing environment is the sine qua non of positive development. (It also turns out to be useful for the more limited goal of getting children to do what we ask.)10 If children feel safe, they can take risks, ask questions, make mistakes, learn to trust, share their feelings, and grow.11 If they are taken seriously, they can respect others.† If their emotional needs are met, they have the luxury of being able to meet other people's needs.12 Deprived of these things, however, they may spend their lives doing psychological damage control. Their own needs may echo so loudly in their ears that they will be unable to hear, much less respond to, the cries of others.

In order to be a caring person, a parent or teacher must first be a person. Many of us are inclined instead to hide behind the mannerisms of a constantly competent, smoothly controlling, crisply authoritative Parent or Teacher. To do so is to play a role, and even if the script calls for nurturance, this is not the same as being fully human in front of a child. A person (as opposed to a parent or teacher figure) sometimes gets flustered or distracted or tired, says things without thinking and later regrets them, asks children for their opinions, maintains interests outside of parenting or teaching and doesn't mind discussing them. Also, a person avoids distancing maneuvers such as referring to him- or herself in the third person (as in "Mr. Kohn has a special surprise for you today, boys and girls").

For the most part, the position that caretakers should be caring is not particularly controversial. However, vestiges of an opposing point of view from another era still turn up from time to time. One still hears, for example, the old chestnut that crying infants must not be picked up and comforted too often lest they become spoiled, a view that is consistent with pop behaviorism in its prediction that responsiveness will just reinforce the baby's crying.13 (It is also a view vigorously rejected by virtually everyone who is knowledgeable about infant development.)14

Among educators, meanwhile, there is still some credence given to the slogan that a teacher must not let down her guard and smile at her students until after Christmas. (One hopes whoever came up with that bit of advice is no longer in a position where he or she can continue doing harm to children.

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